Finally Homesick! A lesson on letting go...

I have finally become homesick. It surprised me how little time it took for me to grow needy of American comforts, such as warm showers, non-spicy food and internet access! I miss my endless texting (silly I know) and my beautiful friends, who have throughout this year, kept my heart at ease when I grew sad and lonely and sometimes even kept my head above water. But, perhaps being homesick is normal? It feels like a shedding of a cocoon,( which I have seen a lot of lately on the trees, they have the most beautiful butterflies here). As I overcome my homesickness, I know I am shedding all unnecessary attachments. I try in my own way, to woman up!

I grow in fear that the “I” of me is being swallowed into a bigger whole here. This “I” does not serve me. The fear comes from my ego talking. When we attach ourselves to what is, and who we are, we miss out on inner growth and often needed self-reflection. Sometimes, we need to take ourselves outside the box to gain perspective. The only way to grow, is to push ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Being in India, an excercise of survival for me. Here, I am learning to become greater that I am. In India, I am learning to trust the universe to align what is right, and rid me of what is wrong.

My body certainly is undergoing its changes too! I have eliminated all the excesses. I no longer eat meat, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or engage in sexual relationships. I have taken a vow of abstinence and purification. I have also taken the ultimate vow of Karma Yoga.: To teach, 24/7 and inspire, practice yoga and honor myself through helping others. As we know, when you teach, you learn.
Shanti Bhavan is in the middle of nowhere. It is no wonder they call it Shanti Bhavan, it is a real peace haven here. And of course, the children have won me over. I get up at 6 am everyday to teach and tutor and my days seem endlessly dedicated to helping these kids learn math,theatre and yoga, while simultaneously building rapport among my volunteers and staff. When the day is finally finished, there is little time left for my yoga practice and self-reflection. I must set clear boundaries to do this on my off time. I am also trying, to learn Hindi while I am here and observe the Indian customs and holidays.
I am eager to visit and travel in India, so far it has been Hosur and Bangalore, but I am always grateful when I do return home to Shanti Bhavan. The traveling in India is stressful and sometimes painstakingly full of traffic and pollution. Even though I complain about this bubble at Shanti Bhavan, I know I am desperately needed here, that these children need me. That I have come for a reason, that I have come to join this family of 200 children who without me and the other brave and courageous volunteers , teachers and staff would be in their villages, slaves to poverty, sexual and physical abuse and ignorance.
It is hard sometimes, looking at these kids, to believe where they have come from, and what they have survived already. When I grow homesick, I remind myself of their pain. I remember mine as a kid. I try to share with them. I try to inspire them, with my stories of how I used my education to break out of my impoverished home and go to college on a full scholarship. I’d like to think, I am modeling for them, that yes you can! That no dream is unattainable. That no matter what and where they have been, they can overcome, they can use their minds to break the odds and the ropes of poverty. That one day, as one shanti bhavan child said to me, “No one can will be able to take away what is in my mind, even if I continue to be poor”.
I must hold their dreams and goals, tenderly in my heart, and plant them with my own. Afterall, they are entrusting me with them. I am sure these seeds, while I am here, will see many seasons of change and struggle, but they will flourish with love and compassion as well as laughter. I can’t wait to see these seeds grow side by side we will make a garden of peace…