When I was little, I used to fantasize that I would be rescued from my crazy Cuban El Salvadoran household. I used to look up at the moon and wish that one day, my prince would come riding in shining armor to rescue me. As I grew older, everything I was exposed to pushed me to believe this myth. My mom constantly supported the idea that I would need to be rescued. Whether she knew it or not, she was teaching me to believe that I could not survive by myself in this crazy world. I don’t entirely blame her, I think women in general are taught to believe they cannot be without a man in their life. But time and experience has shown me otherwise.
Funny tonight, here I am in India, under the same sky and under my first full moon (the moon is definitely brighter here). I don’t know if it’s the full moon’s energy or just me, but I wake up in panic tonight about my destiny with love. Yes, I still worry about this at 32-years of age! My mind always wanders back to the same questions: What If when I return from this adventure, I have not found what I am looking for? Will I be able to find healthy love again? Will I be able to find a job ? Will I be able to create a family as I have planned for in the upcoming year? Or will I be alone, still broken hearted and jobless?
I have travelled so far, hoping I will find answers here... but really in looking, am I still seeking to be rescued? Who will truly rescue me? I don’t think anyone can. I know I am here to rescue myself, no one else knows me enough to come close. .. And what do I need to be rescued from really? From my loneliness? My broken heart? I know now, I need to be rescued from me! From those myths in my mind that promote the idea that I am alone and that I am not enough.
I know I have come here to face myself. That time will test me, and that only time will show me the warrior inside me. It really is hard sometimes not to fear. I think we all have this fear of ending up alone. It never seems to escape us. But the funny thing is we are not alone. We have the moon, the ocean and the world at our feet. We have so much love within us. Sometimes it is hard to see it. I am learning in India, that I can do anything I set my mind to do and that I am strong enough to be alone with myself.
India is teaching me, along with this past year, that I don’t need a relationship but would like to be in one. I don’t need kids, but I would like to be a mother. That I don’t “need” but would “like”..love.. the type of love that is beautifully strong, that champions my independence and loves me the way I love myself.
We all deserve more than we think we do and I really think we can find the love we are looking for, if we believe we deserve it. Why not? I am reminded of this thought, here at Shanti Bhavan when I take a look at my girls who are still learning about life and I know I have come to teach them to be strong and courageous. I have come to teach them that they are worthy of love, love for themselves and love to be received from others. I have come to show them that: You can be the maker of your destiny. That they should be proud of being born a woman even if sometimes this is not supported here in rural India. I come to teach by example, that they too can be break the cycle of dependence.
When a fifth grader tells me “ I will never be able to have “ I correct her and and say “ You can have whatever you want, that is why you are here, to work hard and get a good education that will get you a good job and then you will have enough money to do with it, what you want.”
I’d like to think I am teaching these girls to become their own warriors, their own prince in shining armor. So I look at the full moon in the Indian sky, and I think India yet again reveals another mission in my life : I will start a revolution of strong beautiful women, one girl at a time. But I must start somewhere right? So, I am starting with this girl, right now , right here, under this moon..
I proclaim another affirmation and lesson:
I am a warrior princess. Strong and courageous. Bold and beautiful. Open and ready to give and receive love. This is why I am here in India, to finally hold my heart and sit silently under the moon, with Ganesha as my witness, and make my wish:
May I never stop believing in love, the kind of love that is strong and powerful and lays within me. And may I have the wisdom to reflect it on any one who is willing to receive it, so we can transform each other, and in one way or another transform the world...
Funny tonight, here I am in India, under the same sky and under my first full moon (the moon is definitely brighter here). I don’t know if it’s the full moon’s energy or just me, but I wake up in panic tonight about my destiny with love. Yes, I still worry about this at 32-years of age! My mind always wanders back to the same questions: What If when I return from this adventure, I have not found what I am looking for? Will I be able to find healthy love again? Will I be able to find a job ? Will I be able to create a family as I have planned for in the upcoming year? Or will I be alone, still broken hearted and jobless?
I have travelled so far, hoping I will find answers here... but really in looking, am I still seeking to be rescued? Who will truly rescue me? I don’t think anyone can. I know I am here to rescue myself, no one else knows me enough to come close. .. And what do I need to be rescued from really? From my loneliness? My broken heart? I know now, I need to be rescued from me! From those myths in my mind that promote the idea that I am alone and that I am not enough.
I know I have come here to face myself. That time will test me, and that only time will show me the warrior inside me. It really is hard sometimes not to fear. I think we all have this fear of ending up alone. It never seems to escape us. But the funny thing is we are not alone. We have the moon, the ocean and the world at our feet. We have so much love within us. Sometimes it is hard to see it. I am learning in India, that I can do anything I set my mind to do and that I am strong enough to be alone with myself.
India is teaching me, along with this past year, that I don’t need a relationship but would like to be in one. I don’t need kids, but I would like to be a mother. That I don’t “need” but would “like”..love.. the type of love that is beautifully strong, that champions my independence and loves me the way I love myself.
We all deserve more than we think we do and I really think we can find the love we are looking for, if we believe we deserve it. Why not? I am reminded of this thought, here at Shanti Bhavan when I take a look at my girls who are still learning about life and I know I have come to teach them to be strong and courageous. I have come to teach them that they are worthy of love, love for themselves and love to be received from others. I have come to show them that: You can be the maker of your destiny. That they should be proud of being born a woman even if sometimes this is not supported here in rural India. I come to teach by example, that they too can be break the cycle of dependence.
When a fifth grader tells me “ I will never be able to have “ I correct her and and say “ You can have whatever you want, that is why you are here, to work hard and get a good education that will get you a good job and then you will have enough money to do with it, what you want.”
I’d like to think I am teaching these girls to become their own warriors, their own prince in shining armor. So I look at the full moon in the Indian sky, and I think India yet again reveals another mission in my life : I will start a revolution of strong beautiful women, one girl at a time. But I must start somewhere right? So, I am starting with this girl, right now , right here, under this moon..
I proclaim another affirmation and lesson:
I am a warrior princess. Strong and courageous. Bold and beautiful. Open and ready to give and receive love. This is why I am here in India, to finally hold my heart and sit silently under the moon, with Ganesha as my witness, and make my wish:
May I never stop believing in love, the kind of love that is strong and powerful and lays within me. And may I have the wisdom to reflect it on any one who is willing to receive it, so we can transform each other, and in one way or another transform the world...
Maura, this is beautiful! Your words shine bright, especially in the proclamaition below... those girls are lucky to have you in their lives even if just for one moment. **nathalie**
ReplyDeletebeautiful warrior! In your teaching of others, you will continue to unfold to your authenticity, and then the fear will dissolve, and suddenly it will all make sense, and you will laugh hysterically. I admire your courage and your willingness to undo all the do's that have been over DID for centuries! Hurrah! Keep Up as they say in Kundalini!! Love you mama!
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